Several weeks ago, my derby wife told me I needed to try juicing. I reminded her of WFTDA’s strict policy against performance enhancing drugs and told her that it wouldn’t get me back on the track any sooner. She patted me on the head (she was wearing her quads at the time) and said she meant fruit and veggie juices.
Apparently she and her gentleman friend watched a movie called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and were convinced that they should try a juice fast. There is no way in hell I’m going to stop eating, even for a week, but I told her I was perfectly willing to try adding juice to my food groups.
The first thing I did was take to the internet to look at juicers. The second thing I did was shit myself because those things are ridiculously expensive. I texted Ms. Blue and told her that I wasn’t spending hundreds of dollars on something that I might not even like. She replied that I could borrow hers, which was actually her mother’s from the 1970’s. I decided I wasn’t going to be getting out of it so I might as well use the damned thing.
When we went on our biweekly forage for food, Mister E and I bought a box of strawberries, a 5 pound bag of carrots and an orange that weighed a pound, among other things, with the singular intention of juicing the fuck out of some fruit. We took it home and, after some discussion and the download of an app we settled on a recipe called the “Eye Opener.”
- 2 cups strawberries
- 2 carrots
- 1 orange
When Ms. Blue gave me the quick start lesson, she told me to put a cup down to catch the juice and a container to catch the pulp. After doing that, we started jamming stuff into the chute. The grindy blades reminded me of The Mangler from the Stephen King short, and what it dropped out into the little tub we’d put down didn’t help matters.
The juice was much more pleasant to look at, thankfully, but not as sweet as we expected. Still, it was nice and tart and a lot more juice came out than I expected. I’d always heard the input to output ratio was pretty low but the above proportions made enough for me and Mister E to each have about 12oz. Tomorrow morning, he’s going to bring home some pineapple and we’re going to make something out of that random can of coconut milk we have in the pantry. Someone hand me a coconut shell and a little umbrella, we’re gettin’ fancy!