Some of you may not know that I lived in Chicago, where I spent the entire time completely reliant on public transportation and my own little stubby legs. It was joyous and enlightening in many ways, all of which make me hope that we either get decent public transportation in Texas or I drag Mister E to Chicago.
My most frequented bus routes were Clark (#22), Addison (#152), and Irving Park (#80) and I lived about half a mile from the Blue Line station so I used it pretty often. After constant use of these and many others, I am confident in saying that the #22 is cursed.
Soon after moving to Chicago a random blonde girl who looked like a Playmate shared my umbrella at the bus stop across from Wrigley Field and asked me a number of questions about whether or not she should marry her boyfriend. It’s not a particularly in-depth story but it sets the tone. Things get stranger.
On a snowy day, I took the #80 to Clark Street’s #22 stop where I was confronted by an extremely large, hairy man with a stocking cap, four bags of cans, and a pungent aroma. You know, Chicago.
He kicked off the conversation by asking me what I thought about the price of gas. He then went on to explain to me how there is a race of Underwater People that come from the Bermuda Triangle and that they had infiltrated the government and were plotting to overthrow the political structure as soon as Obama came into power.
It’s apparently hard tell the Underwater People from the humans because they look just like Puerto Ricans, only smaller and lighter-skinned. You can especially tell if they’re, you know, green or gray. There are also some that look just like Germans, though I don’t know how that fits in with the whole Bermuda Triangle thing and I wasn’t about to ask. What I did ask was if the Underwater People were there all along or if they came from the stars. He, very seriously, told me they’d been there since the beginning of time 20,000 years ago.
It seems that Zeus (who he told me four or five times was a real person) and Poseidon mixed it up at the beginning of time, at which time Poseidon was revealed to be the devil and the Underwater People his minions. The story got a little garbled here, but the end result was that Atlantis was destroyed and sank to the bottom of the ocean along with the Underwater People.
These vengeful creatures were directly involved with the fall of Nazi Germany as well, because Hitler learned too much about them and was forced to commit suicide to keep their secret. That’s why some look just like Germans, “all Aryan and shit.” He then removed his pestiferous hat to prove to me that what hair he had left was blonde. Or so he claimed. All I could see was a matted tangle of something that could have been hair or maybe a dead owl. He asked me what race I was, to which I replied “GERMAN-IRISH. YUP, THAT’S ME. NOT MEXICAN AT ALL.”
After that he moved on to the Bible and how it was written by Zeus to confuse the people of Earth, and how absolutely everything in it was a load of bullshit except maybe that part about the talking snake. That, he claimed, could have been a thinly veiled warning against the Underwater People. I was never so happy to see the #22 as I was 15 minutes after that conversation began.
He focused his attention on the driver once we were on the bus but before he got off he came over to me and said in all seriousness that everything he said about the Bible was probably a lie, but he couldn’t tell me for sure. Then he said he’d catch me later and lumbered off to enlighten the folks at the Belmont L.
Good times, people. SUCH good times.