My job is like an abusive relationship. It gets horrible, makes me feel worthless and like I want to die, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I seriously consider leaving, even if it means things will suck for a little while, and in spite of family trying to talk me out of it. Then it’s fine for a while, maybe two or three days or even a week and I think “It’s not so bad. Things will be different from now on. I should be grateful to even have a job, I’m so useless.” You know exactly how this story ends. Or doesn’t end, really. Vicious cycles don’t.
Apart from being told I’m useless, slow, weak, stupid and fat on a daily basis, there are teeth-grinding annoyances as well. For one thing, the people I work with are obsessed with losing weight. Every day they talk about how they’re trying to lose weight in time for summer, how they’re only eating carrots and celery this week, or that they’re going to do 500 sit-ups when they get home. They try to drag me into their madness by saying that I should join them in their weight loss contest, or shaming me about my avocado tacos. A sodium-restricted diet means the only tacos I can get from next door are avocado on corn tortillas, which are delicious and filling. However, Queen Bully Bitch loves nothing more than to tell me I’m wasting my money buying tacos for myself and Mister E (he loves their potato and chorizo ones), or trying to tell me that avocados have cholesterol.
Yes, you heard me. She insisted that avocados have cholesterol in them but that they aren’t fattening. I tried to explain to her that they are plants, and there is only cholesterol in animal products but she swears she read it in some book. I also tried to explain that although avocados and coconuts do have fat, it is healthy fat that the body needs and is good for my cardiovascular system. You know, the one I’m taking meds for? She said she doesn’t eat any fat because she’s trying to lose weight, and I told her that some fat and carbs are necessary for the body to function.
Here’s my deal. I’m eating low-sodium, mostly unprocessed foods and have started running again. My doctor is pleased because I’m losing fat and gaining muscle. My goal is to be healthy, which to me does not mean punishing yourself for eating rice pudding, drinking nothing but water with lemon juice, cayenne pepper and apple cider vinegar (yes, that is a thing they are advocating) or making yourself miserable because you’re not losing weight quickly. When they asked and I said I’d lost some weight, QBB said “have you? I can’t tell.”
I haven’t told anyone offline, or on Facebook for that matter, that I’m doing C25K or that I’m planning on running in a 5K in May. I don’t need their “motivation,” which basically amounts to making people feel guilty for not exercising as much as they do and scrutinizing every crumb of food that goes into someone else’s body, then treating them like a five year old if they don’t feel it’s appropriate for dieting. I get all the support I need from my little family and my friends online.
And avocados. Beautiful, cholesterol-free avocados.