Little Miss S is Not a Brony

I have never watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, nor do I have any plans to do so.

This pony is Derpy. I am not joking.

I am already a tattooed, pierced manga otaku who listens to indie rock and eats local honey. I own three computers, each of which runs a different OS. I have five cats, crochet and cross-stitch. I’m bipolar, hypertensive AND have asthma. I am a pair of glasses and a My Little Pony backpack away from getting the shit beat out of me by kids on the playground. And I don’t mean people my own age, either. I mean actual children. The last thing I need is to add being a brony.

Guys (and this is coming from someone who writes fanfiction on occasion), I read a terrible MLP:FIM fic where Rainbow Dash and Twilight become human and get it on. If I have to caution you about reading it, get off the internet right now because you’re doing it wrong.

Apparently human ponies is a thing. A very cute thing.

I don’t have a problem admitting that when I was a kid, I loved MLP. I had the ponies, the baby ponies, the sea ponies, the baby sea ponies, the boy ponies, the pony families and the girls that went with the ponies. Also, pony playsets. The Dad once made me behave by threatening to take my Minty back to the store. I had a special wooden purse I bought at a garage sale to carry around Glory and Baby Glory. The reason I won’t watch Friendship is Magic is because I’m afraid I’m going to like it too much.

This much.

I wish I had a picture of my friend Pony J’s Pony Room to show you. Not shitting you, she has an entire room in her house devoted to classic ponies. This was before FIM, mind, so it could be worse now. She installed shelves that circled the room so she could line up all her ponies. By series. The attached bathroom was filled with disembodied pony parts that she was cleaning and using to create custom mods like the one above, which is her dream pony because she’s also a gamer. I love Pony J but she terrifies me a little.

Also, I’m not interested in dealing with jerks. One of the reasons I rarely read other peoples’ fics is because I feel the need to give constructive criticism, as I hope people will do with mine. Unfortunately, this usually leads to flames and hate emails of the “YOU’RE SQUASHING DRACO_LUVVER6969’s CREATIVITY AND SPECIALNESS!!!!!1!!” kind. I’m sorry, but if you’re writing about Draco forcing Dobby the house elf to blow him, you need to be squashed. Right now. Fandoms can be super-awesome and supportive. They can also be the douchiest of douchbags.

Uncle Randy explains my position perfectly.

And so, as cute as it looks, I will likely never watch FIM. Maybe one day I’ll buy some of that cupcake vodka, drink it all and change my mind but for now I’m going to hide under my bed and pretend this other MLP fanfic about a pregnant Fluttershy never happened.