First and foremost I would like to say that I was prescribed this crap for my bronchitis, so I already had it in my possession. Do NOT go out and do something stupid, because I am already doing it for you. See how much I love you?
This is as close to journalism as I will probably ever get.
I am not a rapper, nor do I listen to rap. Unless you count nerdcore, which I guess you can. However, I have heard of the illicit mixture they call “Purple Drank.” I am also aware of ketamine as a recreational drug, but I would never voluntarily put that shit in my body because I have seen what happens when we put it in patients. Fuck, emphatically, that. Anyhow, when I told the doctor I was dying from coughing and not sleeping, he gave me a prescription for the codeine cough syrup that is the main ingredient in Drank.
So, in the interest of science and Spider Jerusalem-esque journalism, I decided to use the half of a Sprite I had left in the back of the fridge to brew me up some of this magnificently poor life choice in a glass. I mean, I was going to take the stuff anyway, right? Might as well amuse my few readers while I do it.
All the “recipes” I found for Purple Drank were poorly spelled and said alarming things. One of the most alarming was that you’re supposed to use a 1:1 ratio of cough syrup to Sprite. What. The. FUCK, internet? No wonder people die from drinking this crap. What I did instead was put my proper dose into a glass and add Sprite until the purple started to dilute a little. I mean, it’s supposed to be Purple Drank, not Washed-out Lavender Drank.
Anyway, I mixed up my Drank and put on a playlist consisting of MC Chris’ Drinkin’ Blunts, Schaffer the Darklord’s The Bender, and MC Chris’ I Heart Drugs. It took me three songs to work up the nerve to taste this stuff and by that time the coughing was too bad to find more humorous drug-related songs, so I threw on some dubstep and called it good.
This. Shit. Tasted. NASTY. Maybe if my cough syrup wasn’t a generic it might have tasted better, but I’m not counting on it. Much like the taste of cheap vodka, the Sprite couldn’t even kill the taste. I was forced to chug the rest of the Drank and eat a handful of pita chips to get the taste out of my mouth. Then I sat back, relaxed, and waited for the promised chill to wash over me.
The following was written after the Drank hit my system:
Is something supposed to be happening? I mean I’m feeling kinda sleepy and the room is spinning but I mean that could be anything.
So, in conclusion, Drank is super-effective at putting my ass to sleep. It is also super-effective at keeping me from coughing so that I can actually get sleep, with the added fail of giving me a splitting headache. Basically, it’s like having a hangover without actually being drunk or having the vague memory of putting your arm around a cute guy from your favorite band and saying “I love your music, man. Seriously. You’re the best. You totally get it, you know? Love you guys.”
Or is that just me?