I’ve been writing this post for almost four days now, I think it’s time to let it be free. It’s a major depart from the last few days, but please bear with me.
You may already know this, but one of the hardest things in the world to do is accept. Whether it’s accepting the fact that you didn’t get a job, or that someone doesn’t want to date you, or that you can’t change your situation, people have a hard time accepting things. The only thing harder than that is forgiveness.
When I was younger, someone did a terrible thing to me. A member of my own family, in fact. For quite some time I was angry at her, enraged in that way a person who is trapped within themselves gets, and thought that somehow my anger was causing her harm or making me feel better. The truth was that it was hurting me, solving nothing. She went on about her life, profiting from the terrible thing she had done with no consequence. It took me a long time to accept her betrayal and that wishing harm upon her would only eat me away slowly. In the past I hated her. Now I feel bad for her.
In high school, I broke up with Mister E after a liaison with a terrible person who was emotionally abusive, and who later turned out to be a sex offender. I actually felt ashamed for a while that I had dated this person. Now that I have learned the power of acceptance and forgiveness, I have considered writing to him (leaving off my return address, of course) because I know that someone like him is shunned within his community. Again, I feel bad for him.
I was forced to lock down my LiveJournal account years ago because I was bullied by my ex’s relatives after making some snarky comments just after my breakdown. They left nasty, hurtful comments, printed out and passed around my entries and told me they’d been reading my journal for months, they never liked me and I was just faking mental illness so I didn’t have to work. This triggered an episode of paranoia so severe I didn’t leave the house for months. Because of their actions, I designed a tattoo. I still find it hard to feel bad for her, but I do feel bad for her children who are being raised in a family where this behavior is acceptable.
Once again, I find myself on the receiving end of someone’s knee-jerk reaction based off someone else’s inability to cowboy up and say something to my face after sneaking around my Twitter feed. My words were admittedly harsh, but all of them were true. When I, knowing that they were still reading, said I wasn’t afraid and wasn’t going to hide they proceeded to wage an all-out assault on me at work that ended with my leaving my job a week early. I am angry, and hurt by the fact that what friends I had there are now likely poisoned against me, but still feel bad for her because this is the way she lives her life.
Forgiveness will come with time, I’m sure, but for now I’ll just be content to release my anger and wait for karma to do its work. It is inevitable, reliable and unchanging. It is not for to me to wish ill upon her, as she is no doubt bringing it on herself. My heart is sad but my spirit remains unbroken.