Music is very important to me. Often, I will make writing playlists for specific stories. While I was running yesterday, one of the songs I was listening to made me think of a story that I was working for a while before my life went sideways. All of a sudden I wanted to work on it. I was fired up and excited. I had ideas. I fired up Spotify, made a hell of a playlist. Each song was fitted to a character, a scene, ready to pump me up and get me going.
Then I opened my computer.
Yeah, I’ve got nothing. NOTHING. I stared blankly at the page. It stared at me. The Ativan whispered from the drawer beside my bed. So I did the only logical thing I could do. Wrote two paragraphs, then worked for an hour on a fanfic. Then I rocked back and forth, wailing like a lunatic and wondering what happened to my brain.
I wrote a book, you know. People really like it. I self-published it and I constantly have people pushing me to traditionally publish it. Picky people, whose opinions I trust and value. So why am I having such a hard time with this? I’ve got the story worked out in my head, mostly plotted out in Scrivener, even have character pictures and that magical playlist. I just can’t get myself to work on it.
I think the problem is that I’m thinking too hard. My previous book was pretty long, and it took me the better part of six months to write with another six months of editing. People liked it, so I feel pressured to make sure they like this one too. It’s a little different than the first one, so I’m worried about getting away from my style. Mostly, the blankness of my screen scares me.
For some people a blank page means infinite possibilities. For me, it means I have to start at zero. I have all these thoughts and ideas and I want them on this page yesterday. They’re inside me, driving me crazy, and I want to get them out so they can start driving other people crazy. Making them laugh. Cry. Disappear into their bedroom for a brief moment with themselves. I look at a blank page and see how very far I still have to go.
What I need to remember is that I’ve got this. I have a new RL job that means the world to me, and that’s going to both pay me enough and give me enough time to work on my writing and work with Band Back Together. Hopefully I’ll be able to get over this mental block and start getting things out of my head and onto the page. I just need a jump start.
Too bad I can’t have caffeine. Or some Extract of Queen Ant.