The Agony and the Sleeplessness

Two posts today, you lucky monkeys. Unfortunately, one of them is about my lack of sanity so maybe you aren’t that lucky after all. It’s 6:30 in the morning, which means I’m waking up earlier and earlier and can’t get back to sleep even though I feel like shit. If I start seeing the little bald doctors, I’m in trouble.

Oh God No

There are also other side effects that I’m not caring much for. One of them is the fact that my skin feels like it’s crawling with tiny bugs. This happened with the other antipsychotics but only for about two nights. On this Abilify it seems to happen all the time. Also, my right leg is always buzzing. Another is how jittery I am. I can’t settle to anything and when I try thinking about what I need to do I start to panic because I can’t pick what do first and it all seems completely overwhelming.

Worst of all is when I lay down to sleep I either can’t get there and stare at the ceiling or I feel like my skin is tingling and crawling and I have to bounce back up and do something to try and keep my mind off it until I can drop off from exhaustion or the two Ativan I take to try and sleep that don’t help. All they do is calm me down and get me super-dizzy.

As much as I hate the shit, I’m going to ask him if I can go back on the Seroquel for a while. I don’t like it. It makes me gain weight, it makes me hypersexual and if I miss my window of taking it I’m itchy. It’s also totally sedating and makes me feel like I’m moving through mud but right now I’ll take anything over this constant jittering and crawling.

I’m also not getting any better. Can’t remember if I mentioned this, but I’ve become almost completely afraid to go outside. Our apartment complex is the “safe” zone but even so I’m starting to freak out when I go to the mailbox. I’ve started scanning, especially after I saw a black helicopter one day and a van that looked like QBB’s bestie’s van driving really slowly behind me through the parking lot. Yesterday men came to inspect our apartment and I stayed curled up in the bedroom in the “boiled shrimp” position.

I can’t go outside without my handler – which is what Mister E likes to be called, sorta. It makes him feel like a hitman – I went into a cold sweat at the Post Office yesterday when I realized it wasn’t him in line behind me, it was some other dude and he had stayed in the car to smoke. I’m not hearing the voices but I still see things sometimes, and I cry all the time over everything and sometimes nothing.  The only question is whether I’m going to full-on ugly cry or just weep silently.

Da Cheeseblarg knows how I feel.

Oh, and a quick mental health rant because it’s now 7:00 AM and I am awake and blogging. Finally got in touch with the state mental health people. They told me their programs are intensive and they have a wait list. Then they referred me to another clinic where I wouldn’t have to wait. Apparently this was a lie to get me off the phone because they can’t get me in untilOctober. OC-FUCKING-TOBER. Plus, the woman on the phone sounded like someone I know that hurt me really badly. Plus, when I said I had no insurance they put me on hold for a long time.

I explained to both people that I have no insurance, I’m bipolar and panic disorder, I can’t go outside and I’m seeing things. Their response was basically “suck it up, Cupcake.” So now I’ve begged The Dad for another $95 so I can see my regular shrink and tell him I’m still miserable and scared and I want to switch medications even though they’re going to make me sluggish and loopy.

I can’t live like this. I just can’t. Neither can Mister E. I know he’s tired of my shit.

EDIT: Went to the doctor and told him all of these things. He was super-nice as always and changed my medication to Risperadal instead of the Seroquel, because of the bugs I keep seeing. Problem is, Risperadal doesn’t come with samples and the generic version is $125. This is the part where I sob uncontrollably. He DID give me some Ambien, though, because I need sleep and the walrus can give it to me.

As an added bonus, when I told him about my hands, he gave me a prescription for some gabapentin with refills so I don’t have to go deal with my regular doctor about it. Really, he’s a great guy. I wish I could keep seeing him.


5 thoughts on “The Agony and the Sleeplessness

  1. Oh honey. I hurt for you. No one should have to feel like this. I hate our damn medical industry in this country. October. OCTOBER? No one cares about prevention, or rather we’re so buried in ill people that are severely ill that we can’t give preventative care and then people spin off the rails. Stitch in time saves nine and all that.

    I want so badly to be able to throw money your way but I can’t. So many friends need financial help, just a little bit, but we’re still clawing our way out.

    Is there anyone else you’d be comfortable with as an alternate handler, to give Mr. E a break sometimes? I know he loves you, but eventually care-ers need a break.

    • I completely understand! I’m actually going to try auctioning off some of my really good crafts to get my meds.
      And no, there’s no one else I trust down here. My ex-husband is a “safe” person but he lives in Austin and The Dad lives in Ft. Worth. I don’t trust anyone here, they’re the ones that stabbed me in the back and ruined everything. Who knows if someone is a friend of a friend, you know? They could all just be setting me up for another ruin. So Mister E is stuck with me. I’m going to give him our Caregivers RP. ;D

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