The Ambien Walrus and You

Guess what? I SLEPT.

And it was totally wavy like this.

Moreover, I slept for TWO nights in a row thanks to the Ambien. You have no idea how happy I was when I woke up at 6:30 AM on Friday morning. This was because I had slept a full eight hours with only one small interruption, and that was because the cat was playing with a bottled water cap in the bathroom.

Thankfully I did not see the Ambien Walrus. If you have never heard of the Ambien Walrus, he shows up when you take a particular pill and sometimes makes you do things you wouldn’t consider doing while you were awake or in your right mind. Some of those things include eating vast quantities of things, jumping out of windows, and generally making an ass of yourself.

I don’t need Ambien for this.

The last time I accidentally texted someone, it was one of my old hookups that I never deleted from my phone and it was the cat’s fault for stepping on the screen.

People say to me “aw man, gimme some of that Ambien! We can get high or something!” And I say to them “no we cannot. All it will do to you is put you to sleep, and even if you have any fun you’re not going to remember it.” Then they ask me for some of my Ativan and I have to punch them in the taco because I need these meds you idiot. I’m not doing this for fun. Let me tell you about fun, though.

Toothpaste for Dinner has some of the most hilarious comics about the Ambien Walrus, which is probably my favorite recurring character on the site except for Hamster. In fact, Toothpaste for Dinner has some of the most hilarious and surreal comics ever. You should read it. We have a book of it in the bathroom that people constantly comment over because it’s too darn good to just be read while having a wee.

I love the little beret.

I’ve only had one real experience with the Ambien Walrus, and it was a lot like that. There was an entire pan of cinnamon rolls on my counter and when I woke up there were three left. I was pretty pissed off, but it was more because I didn’t get to taste them than anything else. This is not to say I won’t have any encounters with him. But if I do, I probably won’t even remember it until I wake up surrounded by evidence.

Speaking of, this whole sleeping thing is wonderful. When you sleep for more than twenty minutes at a time, you get to have these things called dreams! I had a dream yesterday afternoon that I was a paralegal or something in the DA’s office from Law and Order. This was back when Jack McCoy still had some dark hair, though. Anyway, there was a truck and some stuff and we were supposed to go back to his place but I ended up in an abandoned school with a bomb and woke up before it went off but I’m pretty sure I didn’t get out alive because I went up to the second floor instead of out the front door.

Man, do I ever need that Risperdal. I’m getting a little manic again.


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