The Catwoman Horror

If you read a bunch of comic and video game news like I do, it’s likely you’ve already seen this cover.

Property of DC Comics, though why they want to claim this is anyone’s guess.

I don’t even have words for this. Wait, yes I do. Those words are “what” “the” and “FUCK.” Cathy Leamy, creator of Metrokitty, pointed out on Twitter that the pose is almost identical to this one of Tarot swimming.

If those bars weren’t there, I couldn’t have identified those as her breasts.

Where is her other arm? HER ARM? was my first thought upon seeing her. Then I saw the sharks in the background and thought Oh no! Perhaps it was bitten off by those sharks. This poor, unfortunate collection of fleshy-looking, rounded shapes has been attacked by sharks and I’m an unfeeling bitch. What have I become?

These poses – and I use that term loosely – are known as the “brokeback” pose because it looks like the woman’s spine has been broken in half so they can get both her tits and her ass in the same picture to confirm our suspicions that yes, this is definitely a woman because she has round bits. Because we all know that’s the only thing that’s important. Bitches, am I right?

Admittedly, I know nothing about Tarot’s character other than she’s an apparent amputee who swims completely nude except for a mask, gloves, and a little cape. But as one of the only mainstream comics I read and enjoy is Batman, I do know quite a bit more about Catwoman. At least, I did before this New 52 bullshit came out.

In case you haven’t heard of her, or played any of the Arkham games, or watched any Batman movies, or the TV show from the 60’s OR the animated series(es), I’ll give you a quick intro. Catwoman was a lady named Selina Kyle who was, from the very beginning, a cat burglar. In the Golden Age, she was introduced as a sexy woman who could charm her way into and out of many situations. Later, she was reworked to be a victim of abuse who escaped her pimp and became a cat burglar.

Catwoman uses her sexiness as a weapon, much the way a female spy would. She isn’t a part of a team of male superheroes, tossed in to get abducted and lean on walls in her sexy outfit so the fans have something to look at while they write their terrible Green Lantern/Green Arrow slashfics. Hell, for most of her incarnations she wore a full-body, up-to-the-neck catsuit with a belt that carried her burglary tools and her whip. Like the majority of women in comics, sheissexualized but she manages to be sexy without being nearly nude in every scene, even if her body has been contorted into positions that would make Stretch Armstrong uncomfortable. The entire point of Catwoman is that she is a classy, intelligent thief who just happens to be sexy, not a collection of tits and ass to be crammed onto a cover with an “I’m here to service you” look on her face. It’s insulting to female comic fans in a completely different way than, say, Starfire’s reboot because we always thought of Catwoman as different.

Why would an alien need implants?

I realize that I’m not saying anything new. In fact, I realize that I’m not even saying anything useful. I’m just ranting because dammit, I wanted to be Catwoman. Now I’m just embarrassed even looking at her.


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