Everybody Loves The Cock

The first time I ever experienced the agony and ecstasy of Sriracha, I was in high school. It’s the only thing I have my horrible ex (CNM likes to call him He-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, which is kind of an apt comparison) to thank for, besides bootleg copies of Fushigi Yuugi anime. It almost makes me sad that he’s doing 5-10 in a state penitentiary for criminal sexual misdeeds. Okay, maybe not sad. I watch too much Special Victims Unit to be sad about anything like that.

Anyhow, this was in the years before everyone and their brother was expressing their love for Sriracha left and right. The first time I picked up the bottle with the neon green spout, everything on it was written in Chinese and Vietnamese. There was literally nothing on the label that made sense to me, and I spent a lot of time referring to it as “The Cock Sauce” because a) roosters transcend all language barriers and b) I was in high school.

In case you’ve been living under a rock and never heard of the wonders of Sriracha, allow me to enlighten you. Basically it’s a sauce made of chilis, hot chilis, and laced with garlic, pepper and more chilis. This gives it a bright reddish orange color that some people refer to as “the color of pain” and others like to call “molten lava.” Most hot sauces give you the option of selecting Mild, Medium or Hot, but Sriracha gives you the options of Flaming, Holy Shit and Burning Ring of Fire, depending on how much or little you put on your chosen food.

These days I will put that shit on everything. Don’t have any Doritos in the house? Bam! Spicy Cock Sauce on baked tortilla chips. Soup tasting a little bland? Boom! Liberal dosing of Spicy Cock Sauce. Steamed cabbage got you down? SKA-BOOM! Talk to the Cock.

Once I unwisely squirted some straight into my mouth to see what it was like in its natural state. It had a strange, vaguely antiseptic twang to it and I can only assume that this is because there is so much capsaicin in it that it can kill any parasite, virus or bacteria that might be within 5 miles of your food. This means that Sriracha is not only good for you, it’s damn near a health food.

There’s more of this comic at The Oatmeal and it is awesome.

Basically what I’m saying here is that Sriracha is good and good for you, and it even has the power to bring people together. A couple of my friends from Band Back Together and I bonded over the use of Sriracha on pretty much anything. A beautiful memory of mine is eating spicy tuna rolls with RJ whose filling consisted of tuna, roe and Sriracha, and I hope against hope that if I can ever take Mister E to that sushi place (it’s right here in town; RJ and I went there a lot when we were first married) the chef will still be there to give me his special spicy roll so we can enjoy it together.

That…didn’t come out quite right.

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