Like I said, the psychiatric meteorologist changed my meds again.
It all started when we went to Wal-Mart for a couple of things. I was interested in just being out of the house, which I haven’t done enough since we came back from Ft. Worth, so I was excited to be there. Sad, I know. We were going to take a trip to the mummy exhibit at the museum later that night and I was looking forward to that too. Then as we were walking toward the counter, I thought I saw her.
One of the bitches that ruined my life, one of the people who sent me into this never-ending spiral of anxiety, depression and fear of leaving my eel-hole. She was there at Wal-Mart buying whatever people buy there and she saw me and I was terrified. Literally paralyzed with fear. All I could think of was how badly I wanted to leave and how going to the register was going to make me have a panic attack. I asked Mister E for the keys to the car and went outside, only to have a meltdown when he came back with the groceries.
Not gonna lie, it was pretty bad. The worst part for me was when he asked me the most important question: “did you really see her, or do you just think you saw her?” I didn’t know how to answer and it scared me even more. I had been feeling better and thought I could look into getting a part-time job but thanks to this lovely little episode those hopes have been dashed right away.
When I saw the doctor two days later, he listened to my concerns and asked the same question my husband asked. When I said I didn’t know the answer, he asked me if I thought I needed to be on more medication. I said that I didn’t want to be on more medication but that yeah, I agreed I probably should be. So he doubled my dose and said to let him know if the psychoses got worse. It has the added benefit of helping with my anxiety, so there’s that. The only problem is the side effects. Risperdal is an anti-psychotic, which means it makes me quite sleepy.
I hate being in this side effects limbo, where I’m knocked on my ass every day for two or three hours after taking the meds and where I sleep so deeply that Mister E wakes me up when he gets home, only for me to fall back asleep. I feel so lazy but there’s nothing much I can do about it.
On the plus side, the meteorologist is a listener (he also supports NPR) and he said that if my symptoms don’t go away we can always take me off the meds and try something else. Well, off these meds, anyway.
I’m beginning to wonder if a geographic cure might not be in order.