I Cannot Abide a Sexy Cookie Monster

I really cannot stand “sexy” Halloween costumes. Not the sort of costume that is Miss America: Swimsuit Edition or the half-clad cave woman, those are at least supposed to be half-naked. No, I’m talking about the costumes that are “sexy” versions of things that aren’t female or even human.

Case in point: Sexy Big Bird. There is absolutely no need for anyone ever to be dressed as a sexy female version of a beloved Sesame Street character. Big Bird is about friendship, sharing, and kindness, not parading around in a yellow mini-dress and stripped heels with a few yellow feathers in your hair.

Just…no.

I don’t know where this trend came from, but I wish it would go away. I went to a party at one point where there was a Sexy Pocahontas, Sexy Strawberry Shortcake, Sexy Dalmatian and a girl wearing a g-string and bikini top covered in gold body paint who claimed to be an Academy Award. Meanwhile, one of my friends went as Richard Simmons (non-sexy version), another showed up as Mia Wallace (complete with syringe sticking out of her chest) and I came dressed in my very best Death the Kid cosplay (strapping down the ladies to be a teenage boy is pretty uncomfortable but worth it).

Remember when Halloween was for kids? At least, the Big Bird and Cookie Monster costumes were. Adults competed to see who could wear the scariest costume to their booze-ups, whether that was Freddy Krueger or Richard Nixon, not who can wear the least amount of clothes or go as the most sexualized thing they can think of. I will turn your attention to the “lock and key” costume below.

Get it, you guys? We’re a “lock” (wink wink!) and a “key” (WINK WINK!!!!!)! Get it? Ha ha ha ha! Ugh.

I suppose that for some people, this is their idea of fun. But for those of us who are sick to death of seeing every one of our childhood memories being turned out like a hooker at the end of the month, it’s just another reason to hate another holiday. If you want to dress up as something sexy, there are plenty of things you can go as that haven’t been part of the cast of Sesame Street at one time or another. My first thought is Catwoman, but any superheroine can be substituted. As for couples, why not come up with something truly inspired like Jess Fink, who is going to be half of Seymour and Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors, complete with a little Audrey Two?

And don’t even get me started on Sexy Ursula the Sea Witch. That’s a whole other can of feminist anger that I don’t feel like opening just now because it’ll turn into another rant and I promised to only subject people to one of those per day. This year, anyway.

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